It’s here again. I can’t breathe.
Nothing is getting finished and more just keeps piling in. For a week or so, I’ve been in denial. I saw this coming. I felt it come. I knew it was here, but I refused to accept it. And you know what worse? I saw it. I felt it. I knew it. But I didn’t pray about it. Can you believe that? I know better. Not just because I’ve read about it or have some Bible verses memorized about it, but because EACH & EVERY time, He’s fixed it. So why in the world did I pretend it wasn’t happening? How could I let my pride get in the way like this? Being a human is so frustrating.
As I sit here, trying to catch my breathe. Tears running down my face. I am reminded of my iniquities. I am finally allowing myself to come face to face with the fact that I am a failure at ALL of what I do. I am admitting that every effort I make to do anything, is futile and until I can face that fact, I will ALWAYS end up right in this place. That place where I can’t breathe.
One of my all-time favorite books is “Fervent,” by Priscilla Shirer. In the beginning she says,
“By the time you’ve finished this book, the front cover shouldn’t be able to close neatly over itself. It should be noticeably disfigured. Ski-ramping up from the spine at such a scooped angle that even if you laid an old-school telephone book on top, you still couldn’t smooth out what’s become so harshly, permanently, misshapen. From heartfelt use. War torn…. I want the pages ripped out and written on. The edges tattered and the corners curled. I want your kids afraid to touch it without using plastic gloves or perhaps the salad tongs…. Because this is war. The fight for your life. A very real enemy has been strategizing and scheming against you… in fact, he’s doing it right here and now. Right this very second. Right where you are sitting. Right where you are.”
I have always believed that the enemy attacks you, especially when you are doing what you are supposed to be doing and being obedient to the Lord, but I never personalized it. I never spoke about it as if it were in my situation. Right now. On purpose. This book has put into words, exactly what I too often feel. I need to hear her tell me, that “his reign of terror stops here. Stops NOW. He might keep coming, but he won’t have the victory anymore.” I need to speak truth into this malicious, purposeful, hateful, SUCCESSFUL, attack on my soul. I will no longer believe the lies that I have been making it so easy for him to feed me. It is done.
You see, for the last few months, I have reached this point where I am SO very worried that the orders aren’t coming in. It’s not about the money, I just allow myself to feel incredibly rejected. People who have been on this journey with me for the better part of over a year, haven’t ordered March’s study kit. Does that mean that I have finally bored them to tears? Did I mess up last month? Were they unhappy with what I said? How can I fix it?
For the last few months, I feel like I have been looking down at 1,000,000 things that I need to do/finish/start/make/teach/etc, that are not currently, and will probably never, get completed. It’s not that I don’t want to either. I just can’t breathe. Remember?
For the last 48 hours I feel like everything is out of my control and that there is no way to reign it back in. That it’s time to just quit and close up shop. That I am not reaching a single person or changing a measly life.
For the last 24 hours, I have felt alone & overwhelmed. Like I am not capable. Like there is nothing I can do about it.
SO after having tried everything I know to try (accept for the one thing I should have been trying in the first place), I finally recognize that there is nothing left here for me to do, but pray. So that is what I am going to do. Right now. In the middle of editing a devotional, packing up kits that need to go in the mail tomorrow, grading HW and folding laundry. Instead of being responsible and pushing through, I think today I am going to just stop dead in the middle of some massively important things, and pray.
In her chapter on “focus” she says, “Focus protects your goals and dreams from being consumed in small bits, stolen right out from under your nose, in 20 minute segments of compromise.”
YES!! This is what is happening to me. “There is something you can’t see, working underneath the surface. Controlling and manipulating, what you can” see.
YES AGAIN! It is just like that. And I won’t let it be that way anymore. I will not let him sneak in and mess everything up. I will not allow him to interject thoughts of negativity and uselessness. I will NOT let him convince me of failure. I will use the weapons God has given me to thwart him at the pass. His reign over my sanity and self-worth is over. I will no longer do the dirty work for him.
Satan I renounce you in the name of Jesus Christ. I banish you from my living room, bedroom, car, kitchen and anywhere else you seek to do me harm. I tell you that MY GOD has made me promises and will ALWAYS keep them. I stand face-to-face, toe-to-toe with you and tell you that there is NOTHING you can do, that will change that fact. Your schemes and tactics are useless now. I tell you with pure and utter confidence, that I EXALT MY LORD BECAUSE HE HAS RESCUED ME & REFUSES TO LET ME ENEMIES TRIUMPH OVER ME. (psalm 30:1) So get out of my family, my bank account, my laptop. Get out of my refrigerator, my TV, my Iphone and anywhere else you think I don’t see you. Hear me say, I do see you. I am fully aware that you are the one making all of this happen, not me. I see straight through you Lucifer and I am DONE!